Holiday Eating Tips

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It’s rare. You can’t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? Have one for me. Have two! It’s later than you think!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Pour it on! Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes! Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat!

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother?

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a holiday party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it!

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. Now is the time for long naps! You need to be rested so you can circle the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at the buffet table, like frosted holiday cookies in the shape of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention.

8. Same for pies. Apple, pumpkin, pecan. Have a slice of each! When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards!

10. And the last tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Re-read tips and start over! Remember, January is just around the corner!


Motto to live by – “Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming “WOO HOO, what a ride!”


Have a very Merry Christmas!!